Right after one of our sacred safety meetings (topic: eye punctures), I was approached by Dan “The Prick” Carlson. My preferred nickname for Dan was “Cock-Gobbler” but it never caught on, probably because it had too many syllables.

     “Travis,” he said, “I’ve been told you and your men take a thirty-five minute lunch.  That will stop.  Lunch is thirty minutes!  At exactly twelve o’clock you climb down off your ladder, and at twelve-thirty you are to be back on your ladder!  Is that clear?”

     I squinted and spit, then belched and farted an appropriate goodbye. I wasn’t high enough for this bullshit. Do you know how to spot a good electrician? A good electrician can smoke two joints, drink two quarts of beer, and play two games of pool in thirty minutes. ‘Cuz that’s how long they’ve got for lunch. Fuck that little punk.

     I hung around until all the other electricians had gone.  I approached Scary Barry.  My good buddy Scary Barry.

     “Excuse me, Barry.”  Scary Barry turned and squinted.  When he saw it was me, his face broke into a huge grin.  That was a good sign.

     “How ya doin’, Travis?” He pumped my hand.  “What can I do for you?”

     I got right to the point.  “It’s Dan Carlson.  He’s leaning on me.  If you don’t like my work, then fire me.  Fire me or get that spineless cock-gobbling prick off my back!”

     How’s that for laying it on the line? Triumph’s got nothing on me.

     Scary Barry got real hush-hush and confidential-like.  He looked around furtively.  “Dan’s fixing to go bye-bye.” he said.  “Legurch got transferred to another job.  It’s a thirty-story abortion clinic in Baltimore, Maryland. He’s taking Dan with him.  Two weeks from today is when they leave.  Can you hang in there for that long?” he squinted.

     “I guess,” I squinted back.  There was certainly a lot of squinting going on. I tried to appear nonchalant.  It was a chore, because this was such incredible news!  See you later, Cock-Gobbler!

     “In the meantime, don’t tell anybody.  It’s a secret.  Humor the prick.”

     “I can do that,” I allowed.  “No problem.”

     “And guess what else is new?” Scary Barry added.

     I squinted inquisitively at him.

     “I’m giving you Dan Carlson’s job!  You’ll be in charge of the whole building!”

     I would drive to Colorado that night, to resupply my stash. I would hit Little Spanky (my pipe). I would Visit the Wizard (my bong). I would sit beside King Ganja himself. I would drink of the elixir of the Electrician Gods, namely Jack and Jim and Quantavious Royal Crown. Sometimes, life is not so fucking hard.

2026 R.M. Reliable Electric