“Okay, darlings!”

     I had Bud, John, Spider, and Spence gathered in front of me.  I was about to assign the various electrical tasks that would someday enable this building to come alive with light and power, Oorah!

     “Spence,” I said, “I’m making you my personal helper.  This is your lucky day.”

     Spence came over and stood behind me, ready to obey my commands.

     I gave him a sunflower seed.

     “Bud,” I turned to the big guy, “I’ve got a lot of confidence in your abilities, and I feel like you’re the most competent man here to do the work that we must do.  Therefore, I am giving you the promising young Spider Bugaloo, to be your very own personal stooge.  Spider will assist you in whatever manner you deem appropriate, Bud.  Is that clear, Spider?”

     Spider did an excellent job of hiding his enthusiasm.

     “John,” I said, to my second-hand tool man.  “You wait right here.  I’m gonna line these boys out on what they’re to do.  Meanwhile, you study those prints real thorough-like, you hear?” 

     John got to it. 

     “Let’s go Bud,” I said, and we were off.

     Bud and Spider worked well together.  Bud made Spider do all the ladder work, his weight being too great for mere wooden support.

     “I need a piece of pipe twenty-seven inches long, Bud,” Spider called down from fourteen feet in the air.

     “You got it,” Bud replied amiably (he really was a nice guy).  “Here you go.”  He threw the custom-cut pipe up to the waiting Spider.

     “Jesus Christ, Bud!”

     “You’re welcome, Spider.”

     I left them on this happy note.

     “Okay, John, let’s go.”  I was back at the blueprints.  Spence, ever the good helper, moved to follow us, but I had a mission for him.

     “Spence, go up to eighteen and find that prick’s coffeemaker.  Ten sugars. Don’t get busted.  Hurry.”

     Spence hurried up.                                    

     “John, let me tell you what I want you to do.”  I filled him in on my game plan.  He was smart and understood quickly.  I gave him a sunflower seed as reward. 

     I put him to work on the opposite side of the building Bud and Spider were working on.

     I didn’t even have time to light a cigarette and look out the window before Spence returned.  In his grateful hands was a large cup of steaming hot coffee (hold the crayon), which he proceeded to hand me with great ceremony.

     “Good job, Spence,” I congratulated him.  “Have a sunflower seed.”  He grabbed one.  “Did you see that bastard Dan Carlson?”

     Spence nodded.  “He sure is a funny guy.  He was singing to himself.”

     “Oh, yeah?  What was he singing?”

     “Like a Virgin!”  Spence fell apart laughing.

     Bud and Spider had been working steadily.  They paused a moment to examine what they had accomplished so far.  Bud experienced a warm feeling of satisfaction.

     “Damn we’re good, Spider!”

     “You know it,” Spider agreed.  “They couldn’t wire this building without us. We’re indispensable to these fucking cocksuckers. Give me a smoke, Bud.”

     “Okay,” Bud said.

     They both lit up.

     “Hey.”  This from Bud.  They were each doing their own personalized version of The Classic Electrician Pose.

     Spider did not respond.

     “Hey, Spider!”  This got his attention.

     “Yeah, Bud?”

     “Have you ever fucked a goat?”  Bud queried.

     “Hell no I’ve never fucked a goat, Bud!  What’s wrong with you?”  Spider was genuinely upset.

     “Nothing’s wrong with me,” Bud answered thoughtfully.  “I’m perfectly normal. I was just wondering.”

     They took advantage of the silence that ensued to puff puff puff on their smokes.

     “Have you ever fucked a little boy, Spider?”  Bud was peering intently at him.

     Spider could not respond, so sickened was he by this suggestion. 

     Bud noticed Spider’s discomfort regarding the subject, but was not to be denied the sharing of his long-treasured memories.

     “I fucked a little boy down in Mexico once.  He was the cheapest lay I could find.  He wasn’t bad,” Bud said cheerfully.

     Spider erupted.  “That’s the sickest shit I’ve ever heard!  Goddamn!”

     “Whatever,” Bud replied, shaking his head.  “Guess I got your goat.”

2026 R.M. Reliable Electric