I lived in Dallas for awhile and needed help paying the rent.  I put an ad in the personals section seeking (of course) a female roommate.  A chick called me while she was masturbating, and invited me to do so, too.  Get a grip, I told myself.

     Actually got a few dates with a lovely black girl.  You wanna know how stupid I am?  I took her to see Molly Ringwald in that goddamned movie Pretty in fucking Pink.  ‘Bout the same time I started collecting computer games.

     She told me she’d never had an orgasm, and I was tongue-tied, so that’s about as far as that went.

     A dude called me up in response to the ad saying he needed a place for his sixteen-year-old daughter to live, and did I mind if she walked around in her panties.  I thought my prayers had been answered.  Caught on about a minute into the conversation.  I am truly amazed at the over-abundance of perverts on the planet. My people. 

     Speaking of perverts, the homosexual who lives upstairs gets a buttload of good-looking female talent walking through his door.  That fag probably gets more pussy than I do.  Outrageous when you give it a moment’s thought.

     Made the mistake of telling him once, “The flowers are pretty.”  Maybe that’s the way to go.  Act like you’re a homosexual to lure the bitches in, and then fucking jump on their asses.

     That’s not how I really talk, but profanity is the marvelous spice that moves this splendid narrative jauntily along.  Profane language most closely expresses beautifully and eloquently my goddamned fucked-up shit-eating attitude towards life.  (And the bitches).  (And their asses).

2026 R.M. Reliable Electric