I’ve always had difficulty with women.  Probably because for the first thirty-six years of my life I only had one tooth.  Got that fixed the same week I got arrested.  The pig almost broke my new teeth pushing my face against the wall.  I like that mousy little… fellow.

     Her name was Nicole.  I called tech support for my cell phone one night, and it was answered in Virginia by a woman named Nicole.  That freaked me out.  I told her, “My attorney told me not to talk to women named Nicole.”  (Or Ashley, or Rachel).

     I got fired the same week I got arrested and got the teeth.  My dog was poisoned.  The dentist told me, “Smile.”  I wanted to punch him.

     I paid $2374 cash in one month so I could finally smile at a woman.  My mom says to me, “Are you going to get the bottom teeth fixed?”  She always knows what to say.

     I did learn that smiling is not something you do with your teeth or lips.  It’s what you do with your eyes.  If I had only known that earlier, I wouldn’t have five cats and five thousand porno movies.

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