I have some studied observations about porno movies, but only a few.  Not too many.  Just enough to get me headed in the wrong direction. 

     If the movies at the porno video store were alphabetized, most guys would never get past the A and B sections.

     The really impatient types will go straight to C.

     I have visited porno movie rental stores before.  Never left one feeling clean.  I really hated it when there was a chick behind the counter.  It’s like, “Hi, I’m a sad loser.  Can I treat you to Arby’s when you get off work?”

      That about does it for the clean stuff.

     The joke about how every porno movie ends.  If people had sex like they do in porno movies, no woman would ever get pregnant.  Unless her ovaries were in her throat.  The birthing process would be difficult.  Have to dislocate a jaw.

     There are four acts to every porno movie.  Dude gets a blowjob, fucks her pussy, fucks her ass, comes in her mouth.  The really sensitive ones have five.  Dude eats her pussy for thirty seconds, gets a blowjob, fucks her pussy, fucks her ass, comes in her mouth. 

     I’d like to see the briefing for the chick on a porn movie set before filming starts.  Act one: Ok.  Act two: getting better.  Act three: What the…?  Act four: You gotta be kidding me.  Guess they need the money pretty bad.  They must figure, “shampoo will wash that man right out of my hair.”

     I don’t like the porn movies where the guy uses a hand-held camera to capture the action.  It’s always pointing down and moving erratically.  Towards the end it really gets to wobblin’.  Can you imagine how nice it must be for the lady to look up into her man’s eyes and see instead a ViewMaster 2000 35 mm. lens telescoping towards her face?  It’s what he got her for Christmas, probably.  It’s why she’s got that bruise on her forehead.

      It must be said, lest the reader be offended, that this fictional character approaches pornography from a purely mechanistic point of view.  He does not view women pornographically twenty-three and a-half hours a day  Women are living treasures.  Really all the chicks in those films deserve a big raise, and better film in the camera.

2026 R.M. Reliable Electric