I wish they would organize the aisles alphabetically at the grocery store, instead of grouping the items by product type.  It would save me so much time, because everything really important to me starts with C.  Coffee, cigarettes, cat food and cannabis.

     I hate it when you get older and the clerks stop asking for your I.D. when you buy booze or smokes.  They type in 000 for your age.  I want to scream, “I was not born in the year 000 you little fucking punk!”

     Have you heard the slang term “swipe?”  Means steal, as in “swipe a car.”  At the check-out counter, where you pay with your debit card, it says “Please swipe card.”  I tell the cashier, “There’s no card here for me to swipe.”  Not a single one has ever gotten it.  Hell, they’re too focused on whether you want your milk in a plastic bag, because God forbid they spend a cent extra on bagging your groceries properly.  “Can’t we discuss something more important?”  I think.  I tell ’em “I will thank you to please triple-bag the milk and secure it safely within two clean cardboard boxes, lickety-split. Also, please have that cute underage blonde carry it to my truck.”

     Or they ask, “Is plastic okay?”  I say, “Plastic is more than okay, indeed I demand plastic, and will settle for nothing less. However, I find ribbed rubber sometimes hits the spot.”  I don’t have any friends who are cashiers, as you might imagine.

     Is it okay to look into other people’s carts to see what they’re getting?  Do you want them looking into yours?  Didn’t think so, Mr. “Frosted Flake.”

     I always pick the slowest checkout lane at the grocery store.  I am highly skilled at this art.  Gives everyone loads of time to purvey the generic condoms I’m buying with a coupon (half off).  And the expensive cat toys and gourmet pet food for Pretty Girl.  Gotta have your priorities.

     Another bad combination is expensive cat food and generic hand-lotion.  What’s up with this guy, right?

     You know you’re a drunk when you’re the first guy in a three-county area at the grocery store buying a twelve-pack of Shiner and a Maxim magazine at 7:00 am.  That’s another fine way to meet ladies.  The six-foot tall cardboard kind.

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